Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Mon Oct 31, 2005 at 10:19:21 am EST
Subject
The Intermittent Adevntures of De Brown Streak #27: Now WIth Added Betrayal and Heartbreak, Plus One Really Cruel Bit of Timing
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Last time, the demoness temptress Regret threw Uhuna and De Brown Streak out of hell. She didn’t use the first class tickets. So now our hapless heartbroken lovers find themselves toppling down onto a landfill in Akron.

Josh: “Ouch.”

Uhuna: “Ouch.”

Josh: “And I don’t mean ouch in just the physical sense. That also encompasses the jagged broken pieces of my heart stabbing into my chest.”

Uhuna: “Well mine wasn’t purely physical either, Joshua Clement. For your information I’m a seething mass of guilt, torment, and self-recrimination. So there.”

Josh wipes off discarded happy meals. “Is that for being unfaithful to me with your ex-boy-toy Nats or for dumping Nats to play with my affections anyhow?”

Uhuna: “Well are you really broken-hearted because I accidentally ended up in bed with Bill or is it actually broken-egoed because somebody dared prefer a different lover to the great DBS?”

Josh: “P-preferred? As in… you still want to be with Nats? Not me?”

Uhuna: “Of course not. I hate Bill now. He abandoned me at the altar and left me a broken shattered emotional wreck. And I think he’s seeing that demoness with the fake boobs.”

Josh: “They didn’t actually look fake to me. I mean when she walked around there was that characteristic figure-of-eight jiggle that…” *Catches Uhuna’s stare* “So you hate Bill so much that you jumped right into bed with him the minute you saw him again.”

Uhuna: “I did not. It so happens I woke up already in bed with him.”

Josh: “Oh, well then that’s okay. I mean I have no problem with that at all!”

Uhuna, hopefully: “Really? Because I don’t want to hurt you, Josh, it’s just that…”

Josh, shouting: “Of course I have a problem with it, you dumb floozie!! I’ve gone out with you longer than any other girl I’ve ever known, and you were deliberately cute and kind and classy and loving and innocently erotic and… and… all that stuff… just to make me fall in love with you!”

Uhuna: “In love? You’re in love with me?”

Josh: “I’m in love with you? Whoa. Where did that come from? Yeah, I’m in love with you.” Then he scowls again. “Was in love with you, you betraying… betrayer. You were with me but as soon as the guy who ripped up your heart twitches his finger you go running back to sleep with him. Or wake up with him.”

Uhuna: “It wasn’t Bill’s finger that was twitching.”

Josh: “Not. Helping.”

Uhuna: “Josh, I’m so confused. I think I might be falling for you too. I mean you’ve been so kind and thoughtful, and I know you’ve tried to change to make our relationship work. At least I thought I was falling in love. But then I saw Bill again, and it all just came pressing back in on me.”

Josh: “Too much information.” He kicks a diaper sack down the mountain of garbage. “Uhuna, you betrayed me. You cheated. You know how tempted I was to cheat? But I didn’t. Because I loved you. And then you…”

Uhuna starts to cry.

Josh: “Aw crap. No! that’s not fair! Don’t cry at me. Why do girls do that?”

Uhuna: “Because it works? Bill, I never meant to cheat, or to hurt you. I never meant to start a relationship with you at all. It just kind of happened. And I feel a lot for you.”

Josh: “Yeah, about eight times a night usually. Look, my head’s a complete mess. Not to mention my costume, on this dump. But just tell me one thing, and that’ll settle thing between us forever. Uhuna, do you love me?”

Uhuna swallows back a sob. “Oh Josh, I can’t…”

And then Josh vanishes.

Uhuna, continuing. “I can’t deny it. I do love you. But I’m so confused that I… Josh? Josh?”

But Josh isn’t there. And meanwhile, back in the Lair Mansion…

Lisa: “I summons De Brown Streak!

Josh appears. “What? What the hell? Lisa? I’ve got to tell you this was a real bad time to call me in for another induction.”

Sir Mumphrey: “Hmph. You weren’t answering your comm card young man. Needed to check you’d not been scrobbled.”

Lisa: “Although we haven’t seen you since you vanished with Uhuna at the Lair Picnic last week so we assumed you’d probably been scrobbling quite a lot.”

Mumph: “Er, scrobbling means being kidnapped, Miss Waltz.”

Lisa: “Yeah, but it’s not as funny that way. I’ve been doing this LL dialogue for a long time. Trust me.”

Mumph: “Anyway, point was you didn’t answer the call to arms, Clement. The Legion’s out there smiting the ungodly without you, what? Not done.”

De Brown Streak feels this is all a bit unfair. “I’ve been to hell,” he complains.

Lisa: “We all feel like that sometimes, Josh, after a really great party. But that’s no excuse to…”

Josh: “I mean really to hell. Brimstone and stuff. Hell hell.”

Mumph: “No excuse for wearing such a shabby and disgraceful uniform, young chap. No, you’ll need to shape up if you’re going to make it in this Lair Legion.”

Lisa: “There are other ones?”

Mumph: “I mean it, Clement. Trial period’s coming to a close, and I’m getting poor reports about you from Mr Boaz, complaints about your attitude from Mr Clancy, concerns expressed about your personal relationships from most of the team. Not done.”

Lisa: “Also there might be personal freshness issues. Don’t you and Uhuna even stop to bathe?”

Josh: “I… You… It’s not…” He slumps. “Aw crap, who cares? She said she can’t love me, everyone here hates me, I’m a big failure to all the mutates who used to idolise me. I’m just pathetic. I can’t even think of a funny way to say it.”

Mumph: “This isn’t the time for mopin’, Clement. If life gives you lemons, hand ‘em to the butler to make lemonade, what? Besides, as the only mutate on the team right now we really need you to keep the peace at that mutate rights demonstration that’s getting’ out of hand. The rest of the field team’s already down there.”

Lisa: “Yes. It’s a good thing Visionary was on the scene at the demo with Pricilla when things started turning nasty.”

Josh: “Pricilla? Things are turning nasty… and she’s there?”

Mumphrey: “I’m sure young Visionary will keep the young lady quite safe. Fairly sure.”

Josh: “No, that’s really not what I mean. What I mean is, she’s there… and things are turning nasty.” Josh knows that his twin sister is secretly the bad-events-causing Vermillion Vex. “I’ve got to get over there! This could become a blood bath.”

Lisa: “Oh, so you have heard of baths?”

But DBS is streaking away. Then he streaks back. “Um, where did you say this was happening?”

Mumphrey: “Mutate holding camp in Alamosa, Colorado. But if you’re going there for goodness sake be…”

Josh races away.

Mumphrey: “…diplomatic.”

Mumphrey: “Clement could be diplomatic, right? Right…?

And now we cut to one of those maps with dots appearing across them. Except this is more like a cloud of dust. Washington. Ohio. Indiana. Illinois, Missouri. Kansas. And finally we arrive at…

Visionary: “Um, if everyone would just put down their particle weapons we could all get along.”

Pricilla: “We’re not intimidated by sixty sentinoids surrounding us as we protest the involuntary de-mutating of mutates that’s going on inside this facility! So what if they’ve got millions of dollars of weaponry pointed at us unless we back down and slink away? They wouldn’t dare fire on peaceful unarmed citizens expressing their constitutional right to freedom of speech! Also, I am far too hot to die.

Vizh: “Yes, but perhaps if we asked those young mutate hotheads there to stop tearing down the electric security fencing and that one guy who can turn into a tank to, y’know, not…”

Pricilla: “We shall not, we shall not be moved! We’ll only let this evil continue over Visionary’s cold, dead body!”

Vizh: “Er…”

Sentinoid Commander: “This is your last warning. This is an illegal assembly at a secure military facility. If you do not stand down now and accept arrest we will restrain you using appropriate force. Which in this case is sixty weapons-locked Sentionoid mutate-squashing machines. So stand down and prepare to be handcuffed.”

Pricilla: “Vizh, you know I’d never let anyone handcuff me but you. Tell them.”

Vizh: “Look, everybody calm down. I’m Visionary, or the Lair Legion., and I…”

Sentinoid Commander: “No way are you Visionary. I saw him on TV. Besides, that girl with you isn’t even slightly green.”

Mutate protestor Tank-O: “He’s right, dude. Vizh is in no way that whiny and shabby looking. Besides, I heard he had a super-schlong. You want to prove who you are, there’s your way.”

Pricilla: “Seems fair. Back off everybody, or Vizh gets out his super-schlong!”

Vizh: “Er… I’m beginning to feel this situation is spiralling out of my control.”

Sentinoid Commander: “Last warning. Put your hands in the air. And nothing but your hands.”

Pricilla: “No way! Mutates unite! Magnetic Techbird Lives!”

Visionary: “Well actually, according to Untold Tales #69…”

Tank-O: “That does it. I’m taking this place down!”

Tank-O rumbles forward. The Sentinoids spring. Then every single Sentinoid fuses and falls over.

Pricilla: “It’s a sign! A sign! Or at least a really convenient plot twist!”

Tank-O: “Now’s our chance. Let’s roll these government stooges flat inside their little tin suits! That’ll teach them.”

Vizh: “It’ll teach them how to be flat. Stop. This is supposed to be a peaceful protest.”

Then somebody thumps him in the eye.

The riot begins. The mutate protestors start trying to rip apart the Sentinoid suits to get at the humans within. But then there’s bright light from above, spotlighting the whole thing, and the downdraft of jet engines.

Hatman: “This is the Lair Legion! Stand right where you are! This situation is now under our control!”

Pricilla: “Oh? Really?”

And then the Lairjet explodes outwards, showering mutate and Sentinoid alive with shrapnel, sending the LL toppling stunned to the ground.

Morbido the Magnificent, leader of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates: “And so you have fallen into my trap at last, Lair Legion! How the human world will tremble when it sees its greatest champions crucified after their ignominious defeat!”

Yo: “Yo is to be thinking you have been practicing of that speech. And it was to be delivered very nicely, Yo is thinking. But is not to be easy as you say. Lair Legion is to be lining up.”

Epitome: “We’ve been after you for a good number of episodes now, Morbido.”

CSFB: “Yeah! Time for an all-out battle issue!”

Morbido: “In that case we’d better make it a good one. For I have not come alone to slaughter you, heroes! Behold: The Slob, the Slug, Obo the Indestructible, Flame-O, Miragemind, Turbulence, the Jumbuck, the Wailer, and Kismet… the Botherhood of Evil Mutates! Pose for a full page poster shot, my minions!”

Dancer: “Yeah? Well we can do poster shots too, Morbido! Come on CSFB!, Hatty, Yo, Epitome, Tricky, Shoggy! They might do Liefield full-page spreads but we can do Perez!”

Visionary: “What trod on me?”

Pricilla: “Sssh. It’s the big showdown. And here comes the show.”

De Brown Streak streaks up and stops to gape at the two teams now lines up to face each other in the way they do on those classic comic book covers. “Uh oh.”

Morbido the Magnificent: “Ah, and here is another to join our ranks. You never realised, did you, Legion, that all this time you were failing to give due and proper respect to… my son!”

Trickshot: “Your son? Josh is Scotty? Or Mini-Me?”

Josh: “Aw crap!”

Morbido: “And now… the death of the Lair Legion!”

Shoggoth: “I bet that’s actually in the next issue.”

Continued…






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